


A Devil & An Angel (Rest Upon A Grave)

by mihrsuri



Category: Emily of New Moon - L. M. Montgomery
Genre: F/F, Female Friendship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Introspection, Lesbian Character, POV First Person, POV Lesbian Character, Queer Families, Queer History, Sexuality, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-30 20:19:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1022955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mihrsuri/pseuds/mihrsuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth Murray has always had unspoken regrets and unspoken relief. Dear nocowardsoul I hope you enjoy this story <3. And happy Yuletide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Devil & An Angel (Rest Upon A Grave)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nocowardsoul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nocowardsoul/gifts).



It was like living all over again. Elizabeth Murray has never been more relieved than the day that they buried her father, sin though it may be. She does wish she felt guiltier, but she can't bring herself to. 

There are regrets that she could never tell. Sometimes Elizabeth thinks she keeps her stiffness because without it she would fall into dust. Pride holds her up and against the other things. The darker things. 

Such as Jimmy. 

She'd been so very angry with him that day. It was not that he'd made fun of her, it was that the other children had been there and they had laughed. They'd laughed at her, Elizabeth Murray of New Moon! In her darker moments she supposes that yes, she wanted to push Jimmy into that well ("as angry and spiteful as her father" she'd heard someone say once at church and it stuck in her mind because she couldn't say it wasn't true). 

It was true she'd been quick enough to hit. And swift enough that she's still uncertain in herself as to what she wanted to do - that is where the doubt comes in. Perhaps...perhaps she meant worse than a slap. Bad enough that she, a Murray of New Moon had slapped a boy like a common girl from Stovepipe Town. What makes it worse is that she still does not know that it was not the worst she intended. So she buries the doubt deep deep down. 

It's where she keeps the remembrance of hearing herself screaming. It's where she keeps the knowledge that Jimmy hadn't screamed, when he fell. He hasn't screamed since. That he does not resent her for it makes Elizabeth angry somehow - he has no right to forgive her when she cannot forgive herself. 

She's angry that he made her feel like her father. That angers her most of all. 

Archibald Murray has been buried beneath an elaborate monument for many years now. His funeral was a grand testimonial with a coffin filled with flowers. The relief was never observed aloud. That all of them still sometimes startle, thinking they hear his step upon the floor or see his profile in a corner among the shadows. And all of them breathe a sigh of relief when they realise that no, he is gone. He is truly gone. 

(The plain truth was that they were terrified of him and hated him in equal measure. It is not something any of them talk of but it is true. They would never admit anything of the sort to outsiders, let alone to themselves but that is the family truth. Archibald Murray had no heart at all, though he was an excellent manager. He'd never given a sign to outsiders and certainly, he was a good enough husband. That perhaps was what had saved him, in the end. And he'd loved Juliet. For the other children it had been different, but he'd loved Juliet. He'd said once, that that love was his biggest regret. And that perhaps is the largest reason why Elizabeth Murray feels no guilt for her relief and lack of regret that he is gone). 

It was Emily's arrival that recalled her other regret most vividly. 

The gossips in Blair Water say that Elizabeth never married because she could find no one 'good enough for a Murray' and yes, it's the truth. But it's not the whole truth. 

There was a girl named Sofie. She wasn't golden haired and blue eyed or with skin of pale beauty - she had dark flashing eyes, long dark curls and olive skin browned further by the sun and her nose is too big for her face. But her hair and eyes are beautiful and her arched brows framed her face and oh, oh her smile. Elizabeth still remembers her smile. Sofie could set a spell on a room with her smile, with her eyes. Elizabeth had yearned for those smiles - for that intelligence and wit to be bestowed upon her. When the other girls dreamed of dashing suitors and fancy homes Elizabeth had found herself building a picture of a New Moon in which Sofie lived. In which they could snuggle in bed together always. Perhaps there would be a little girl foundling who would be theirs to pet and care for. Elizabeth had never wanted for anything else. Never. 

Then Sofie left her. She married an Englishman - an officer and had left for the Old Country. 

Elizabeth tells herself that Sofie was beneath her notice and she, as a Murray should never have encouraged such a connection. She tells herself that she believes it, tells herself that her heart is not broken. 

She cries over the pile of letters that Sofie had sent (letters she'd never answered) when she hears the news that Sofie has died. She cries and then sneers that Sofie had never been of any importance to her. 

(Sofie had never reproached her for her non answers. She'd never mentioned it, not once). 

And then Juliet's child came. 

Elizabeth did not want to love her. She'd loved Juliet - they'd all loved Juliet, even Ruth had loved Juliet. They had all repented of what they had said, when she'd married Douglas Starr. But her child - her fey child with Juliets smile. and nothing else. Elizabeth did not want to love her because she made her remember Sofie, remember Juliet, remember things she does not want to recall. She did not want to love Emily except she cannot help it, however much she might deny it. 

Reading what Emily thought of her? It had been almost as though she had heard Sofie had died all over again. All her regrets, all her guilt had come bearing down upon her. And this time, this time she does not resent. She does not hate Emily. She cannot hate Emily. Emily who is Juliets child. The child she and Sofie might have brought up together. Emily who spins stories like Sofie and loves just as fiercely and passionately. 

Emily will never be her regret. Never as long as Elizabeth Murray lives, will Emily Byrd Starr be her regret.


End file.
